DISCLAIMER: I begin writing this with hesitation and not much intensity. I didn't really want to write about this, but I know that it's what I'm supposed to do. I don't know where this is going or even what I'm supposed to write or say. Holy Spirit, help me...
My mentor mentioned to me a couple of days ago that children get their identity from their father and it bugged me all afternoon, evening and into the next day. As I read articles and book excerpts about father-daughter relationships, I'm getting nervous because I know that I should be transparent, even on this subject, but I don't want to be.
I've never been very close to my father. He and I could sit and crack each other up for hours, but there was no real relationship. I didn't feel close to him and honestly, I didn't have very much respect for him. He was never the person I thought of when I thought of a father figure or a person of strength and love. My parents split soon after I was born, so their separation is all I've known. I might spend a Sunday with him or even an entire weekend, but there was no substance. It was like he didn't want to let me in, didn't really want closeness with me. Now, I was raised in a large family of mostly women, very strong and persevering women. I thought that I'd be okay, partly because I didn't want to be one of those women with 'daddy issues' and partly because I didn't want to make a fuss.
I'm an only child and I've always been pretty introverted, so I know how to be alone and okay with being alone. *I keep pausing to read another article or passage or something and it gets harder and harder to keep writing. I feel like I missed out on so much. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. Like Rafiki said, "It's in de past!" I just know that some things would have been dramatically different had I have had a real and close relationship with my father as a child. I might not have clung to just any idea of love from a man who mistreated me, just because he opened a few doors and introduced me to his mom. It might have been easier to hear, 'you're so beautiful' from someone who meant it. I didn't get to see my dad love my mom and I'm not lamenting because it is what it is. But I never saw him show affection toward any woman, not even my grandmother and so I still can't imagine how he loves. Accepting Christ might have been easier if I'd had a consistent father-figure to compare to God as our Father in Heaven (protecting and providing, loving with grace, strength and authority, but always tempered by love and compassion).*
I just read a passage from an interview, where the lady being interviewed says that if every time a father speaks to his daughter, he's laying down the law, she won't want to talk to him. She'll associate their talks with negative feelings. I imagine it's like my dad and I. When I was a child, every time we talked, it was a joke or some really funny anecdote and as a result, I didn't take him seriously. I never felt inclined to go to him for a man's opinion on anything, because I wasn't sure he could handle that kind of talk with me. *Never estimate how hard of a time a writer has pouring out their heart into their work. This is kinda hard.*
Some days it takes everything inside of me to keep from screaming ['WHERE WERE YOU?! DIDN'T YOU THINK OF ME?! WAS EVERYTHING ELSE THAT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT?! DIDN'T YOU CARE?! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT FOR US?! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT HE'S (my bf) BEEN THROUGH IN YOUR WAKE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU REACH OUT TO ME?! I NEEDED YOU!!] when I see him. Maybe, I will someday. But for now, I just want to be close to him. I want to get to know him, because to be honest, I don't really know him very well. My whole life, he's never been more than 15 miles away from me, but I don't know the guy all that well. I'm 24 years old. We've missed a lot of each other's lives.
It's funny how the Holy Spirit moves. As I write, I can see the impact his absence has had on me. He should've been the first man to tell me that I'm beautiful. My first date should've been with him, with him bringing me flowers and opening doors for me and showing me how a man treats a woman. Instead, my grandfather filled in where he could. I'll never forget my first date with him. Dairy Queen. It was my first date and my first blizzard. He loved me. :) He came to the door and spoke to my mother, brought me a lily. We talked about school, boys and God. I was about 8 years old. I loved hanging out with him because he was so much fun and told me corny jokes. We'd watch boxing and football and eat honey roasted peanuts, while my grandmother fixed us sandwiches and sweet tea with too much ice. I'd fall asleep on the recliner next to his, curled up in a ball and when he woke me up and told me it was time to go to bed, I'd hug him and say, 'I don't need to be tucked in,' but he came anyway. *Random thought: my first date with my bf is so much like my first date with my grandfather, it's almost scary. I was so comfortable with him and he treated me like a princess. We went for fun food (granddaddy, ice cream; bf, pizza) and took a walk afterward. There are more similarities, but this is long enough already. Sorry.*
I tried to figure it out by trial and error and experienced things I shouldn't have, but bless God for deliverance, grace and favor. Sometimes, it seemed my dad and I were both kids that just didn't feel like playing together anymore. So, we didn't talk for months up to a year at a time. And I didn't realize until five minutes ago just how much it hurt.
I didn't want to write about this because I knew it would bring back memories of feelings I'd swept under the rug and because I didn't want to seem like I was diminishing my mother's role and impact on my life. But now I realize that sometimes things must be unearthed to heal. And there's a void that my mother could never fill. That isn't because of any lacking or incapability on her part. She wasn't designed to be my father. She was created to be an amazing mother and that she is and has been. The missing pieces of me are not a reflection of her shortcomings, but of me and my father and our neglect of our relationship.
So, I'm not sure I can attest to the positive effects of having a consistent father-figure, but I can discuss the negative impact of not having one. I've always hated having this discussion because I never wanted to be one of those women with 'daddy issues.' But it's a part of my past and into my future I'm taking strength to persevere through whatever comes of our growing closeness and courage to accept it and so much love because hurt people hurt people. I wanted to know why or how a woman gets her identity from her father and instead I found the impact a semi-absent father can have on her/me.
The amazing thing in all of this is God's unfailing love, unrelenting pursuit of us and boundless grace. God has a special place in his heart for the orphans and fatherless. Now, I have an earthly father, but our relationship is still lacking. It is growing, mind you, and praise God for that. I believe that God models the ideal characteristics of fatherhood for us. And when our earthly fathers don't live up to the ideal, God promises that we will not be without one. He promises to fill the void. Think about it, no one on earth can make us whole, anyway. That's God's job and He's pretty awesome at it, I must say. In God, no one has to be without a father.
When I came home, God told me to seek him first and he'll fix everything that needs to be fixed. I began to seek him and he led me to my father, to put serious effort into building our relationship. And I'm so grateful. I had an amazing experience at Good Friday service. I saw my father worship, unbridled and unashamed and it changed my thoughts toward him. God showed me that he had forgiven him, so I had to forgive him, too. And I did. He also showed me that I've come short as well. I haven't always done my part in building the 'us' I so desired.
*Last paragraph, I promise!* The next time you meet a woman with 'daddy issues,' soften your heart toward her. You don't know what she harbors, you don't know her pain, you don't know how God is moving in her and softening your heart could allow God to use you to show her God's fatherly love toward her. God knows, it's taken several people [and of course, God himself] to show me God's love. It takes God's strength and love to pull her out of her self-pity and insecurity. Also, it isn't her fault. Perhaps, the importance of a father in developing a woman's identity is to help guide her to God. He shows her a father's love that he received from his father who received it from his father who received it from his Father in Heaven and seeing God as a Father makes much more sense, because my identity comes from my Father in Heaven and who I am in him.
My mentor mentioned to me a couple of days ago that children get their identity from their father and it bugged me all afternoon, evening and into the next day. As I read articles and book excerpts about father-daughter relationships, I'm getting nervous because I know that I should be transparent, even on this subject, but I don't want to be.
I've never been very close to my father. He and I could sit and crack each other up for hours, but there was no real relationship. I didn't feel close to him and honestly, I didn't have very much respect for him. He was never the person I thought of when I thought of a father figure or a person of strength and love. My parents split soon after I was born, so their separation is all I've known. I might spend a Sunday with him or even an entire weekend, but there was no substance. It was like he didn't want to let me in, didn't really want closeness with me. Now, I was raised in a large family of mostly women, very strong and persevering women. I thought that I'd be okay, partly because I didn't want to be one of those women with 'daddy issues' and partly because I didn't want to make a fuss.
I'm an only child and I've always been pretty introverted, so I know how to be alone and okay with being alone. *I keep pausing to read another article or passage or something and it gets harder and harder to keep writing. I feel like I missed out on so much. I'm trying to tell myself that it's okay. Like Rafiki said, "It's in de past!" I just know that some things would have been dramatically different had I have had a real and close relationship with my father as a child. I might not have clung to just any idea of love from a man who mistreated me, just because he opened a few doors and introduced me to his mom. It might have been easier to hear, 'you're so beautiful' from someone who meant it. I didn't get to see my dad love my mom and I'm not lamenting because it is what it is. But I never saw him show affection toward any woman, not even my grandmother and so I still can't imagine how he loves. Accepting Christ might have been easier if I'd had a consistent father-figure to compare to God as our Father in Heaven (protecting and providing, loving with grace, strength and authority, but always tempered by love and compassion).*
I just read a passage from an interview, where the lady being interviewed says that if every time a father speaks to his daughter, he's laying down the law, she won't want to talk to him. She'll associate their talks with negative feelings. I imagine it's like my dad and I. When I was a child, every time we talked, it was a joke or some really funny anecdote and as a result, I didn't take him seriously. I never felt inclined to go to him for a man's opinion on anything, because I wasn't sure he could handle that kind of talk with me. *Never estimate how hard of a time a writer has pouring out their heart into their work. This is kinda hard.*
Some days it takes everything inside of me to keep from screaming ['WHERE WERE YOU?! DIDN'T YOU THINK OF ME?! WAS EVERYTHING ELSE THAT MUCH MORE IMPORTANT?! DIDN'T YOU CARE?! DON'T YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I HURT FOR US?! CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT HE'S (my bf) BEEN THROUGH IN YOUR WAKE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU REACH OUT TO ME?! I NEEDED YOU!!] when I see him. Maybe, I will someday. But for now, I just want to be close to him. I want to get to know him, because to be honest, I don't really know him very well. My whole life, he's never been more than 15 miles away from me, but I don't know the guy all that well. I'm 24 years old. We've missed a lot of each other's lives.
It's funny how the Holy Spirit moves. As I write, I can see the impact his absence has had on me. He should've been the first man to tell me that I'm beautiful. My first date should've been with him, with him bringing me flowers and opening doors for me and showing me how a man treats a woman. Instead, my grandfather filled in where he could. I'll never forget my first date with him. Dairy Queen. It was my first date and my first blizzard. He loved me. :) He came to the door and spoke to my mother, brought me a lily. We talked about school, boys and God. I was about 8 years old. I loved hanging out with him because he was so much fun and told me corny jokes. We'd watch boxing and football and eat honey roasted peanuts, while my grandmother fixed us sandwiches and sweet tea with too much ice. I'd fall asleep on the recliner next to his, curled up in a ball and when he woke me up and told me it was time to go to bed, I'd hug him and say, 'I don't need to be tucked in,' but he came anyway. *Random thought: my first date with my bf is so much like my first date with my grandfather, it's almost scary. I was so comfortable with him and he treated me like a princess. We went for fun food (granddaddy, ice cream; bf, pizza) and took a walk afterward. There are more similarities, but this is long enough already. Sorry.*
I tried to figure it out by trial and error and experienced things I shouldn't have, but bless God for deliverance, grace and favor. Sometimes, it seemed my dad and I were both kids that just didn't feel like playing together anymore. So, we didn't talk for months up to a year at a time. And I didn't realize until five minutes ago just how much it hurt.
I didn't want to write about this because I knew it would bring back memories of feelings I'd swept under the rug and because I didn't want to seem like I was diminishing my mother's role and impact on my life. But now I realize that sometimes things must be unearthed to heal. And there's a void that my mother could never fill. That isn't because of any lacking or incapability on her part. She wasn't designed to be my father. She was created to be an amazing mother and that she is and has been. The missing pieces of me are not a reflection of her shortcomings, but of me and my father and our neglect of our relationship.
So, I'm not sure I can attest to the positive effects of having a consistent father-figure, but I can discuss the negative impact of not having one. I've always hated having this discussion because I never wanted to be one of those women with 'daddy issues.' But it's a part of my past and into my future I'm taking strength to persevere through whatever comes of our growing closeness and courage to accept it and so much love because hurt people hurt people. I wanted to know why or how a woman gets her identity from her father and instead I found the impact a semi-absent father can have on her/me.
The amazing thing in all of this is God's unfailing love, unrelenting pursuit of us and boundless grace. God has a special place in his heart for the orphans and fatherless. Now, I have an earthly father, but our relationship is still lacking. It is growing, mind you, and praise God for that. I believe that God models the ideal characteristics of fatherhood for us. And when our earthly fathers don't live up to the ideal, God promises that we will not be without one. He promises to fill the void. Think about it, no one on earth can make us whole, anyway. That's God's job and He's pretty awesome at it, I must say. In God, no one has to be without a father.
When I came home, God told me to seek him first and he'll fix everything that needs to be fixed. I began to seek him and he led me to my father, to put serious effort into building our relationship. And I'm so grateful. I had an amazing experience at Good Friday service. I saw my father worship, unbridled and unashamed and it changed my thoughts toward him. God showed me that he had forgiven him, so I had to forgive him, too. And I did. He also showed me that I've come short as well. I haven't always done my part in building the 'us' I so desired.
*Last paragraph, I promise!* The next time you meet a woman with 'daddy issues,' soften your heart toward her. You don't know what she harbors, you don't know her pain, you don't know how God is moving in her and softening your heart could allow God to use you to show her God's fatherly love toward her. God knows, it's taken several people [and of course, God himself] to show me God's love. It takes God's strength and love to pull her out of her self-pity and insecurity. Also, it isn't her fault. Perhaps, the importance of a father in developing a woman's identity is to help guide her to God. He shows her a father's love that he received from his father who received it from his father who received it from his Father in Heaven and seeing God as a Father makes much more sense, because my identity comes from my Father in Heaven and who I am in him.
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