Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Hi there. Call me Jordyn. I'm a small young woman who's just given her life over to Christ COMPLETELY and FULLY. I started a blog because, why not? Maybe... Hopefully, someone could benefit from my story and the thoughts and talks I have with my Father. Writing has helped me so much, venting can be great. The soul needs release, I think, and this just may be mine for a while. I'm not perfect, nor am I aiming for perfection. I'm only in pursuit of a new kind of happiness.
I suppose I'll begin with the beginning, so to speak. This is the point where I acknowledged that something was wrong/missing. This blog may contain devotionals, songs, or random thoughts of mine from the past or present.
The following is a journal entry from early-November of 2014.
"I was beginning to feel both hopeless and purposeless. I know, I know. God does nothing without purpose, including the creation of a person. I'd witnessed the successes and loves of so many, only to watch mine elude me with great cunning and wit. Everywhere I turned, acquaintance celebrated graduation or promotion of other sort. Then, they or others celebrated matrimony and not too long after, welcoming children. But don't mistake my lamenting for long of speed. I am in no way rushing God's plan. I've just seen no hint of those things that might give anticipation or image to hope for.
I've cried myself to sleep for about 24 days (estimating based on my journal entries), non-consecutively. I don't remember (and other haven't noticed) what my eyes look like unswollen. I've gotten really good at masking it, though, I think.
I've been reading books on depression and anxiety, trying to figure out what was going on with me. I can't be depressed. That's not me. I can appreciate popular opinion over the years that I'm a somber and quiet person. But I'm much more upbeat and vibrant than I can show right now. I'm sorry. Anyway, it seems like everyday gives me another reason to cry and practice to the point of blistering and bleeding fingertips (It's funny how the lowest point of my life so far has grown and matured my playing) and getting 'eye-water' on my fingerboard. Gross. Then, I get angry. I think I'm learning from this phase how easy it is to hurt people you love when you're hurting, yourself or hurting yourself.
I've started lashing out at my mother, which definitely adds to the pain of everything. She's the only person who has consistently supported and "checked on" me for as long as I can remember. She's more than a mother and hurting her crushes me, but I can't stop. I'm angry at her and I don't know why. I hate myself. Maybe, that's why I hurt her. She's the person with whom I most identify.
My hair is falling out. My skin has developed weird patches and rashes that come and go. I don't know if I'm crying and depressing myself sick, but whatever's going on hurts like hell.
So, here I am in my hometown, alone and feeling like a failure."
PS ...
Hi there. Call me Jordyn. I'm a small young woman who's just given her life over to Christ COMPLETELY and FULLY. I started a blog because, why not? Maybe... Hopefully, someone could benefit from my story and the thoughts and talks I have with my Father. Writing has helped me so much, venting can be great. The soul needs release, I think, and this just may be mine for a while. I'm not perfect, nor am I aiming for perfection. I'm only in pursuit of a new kind of happiness.
I suppose I'll begin with the beginning, so to speak. This is the point where I acknowledged that something was wrong/missing. This blog may contain devotionals, songs, or random thoughts of mine from the past or present.
The following is a journal entry from early-November of 2014.
"I was beginning to feel both hopeless and purposeless. I know, I know. God does nothing without purpose, including the creation of a person. I'd witnessed the successes and loves of so many, only to watch mine elude me with great cunning and wit. Everywhere I turned, acquaintance celebrated graduation or promotion of other sort. Then, they or others celebrated matrimony and not too long after, welcoming children. But don't mistake my lamenting for long of speed. I am in no way rushing God's plan. I've just seen no hint of those things that might give anticipation or image to hope for.
I've cried myself to sleep for about 24 days (estimating based on my journal entries), non-consecutively. I don't remember (and other haven't noticed) what my eyes look like unswollen. I've gotten really good at masking it, though, I think.
I've been reading books on depression and anxiety, trying to figure out what was going on with me. I can't be depressed. That's not me. I can appreciate popular opinion over the years that I'm a somber and quiet person. But I'm much more upbeat and vibrant than I can show right now. I'm sorry. Anyway, it seems like everyday gives me another reason to cry and practice to the point of blistering and bleeding fingertips (It's funny how the lowest point of my life so far has grown and matured my playing) and getting 'eye-water' on my fingerboard. Gross. Then, I get angry. I think I'm learning from this phase how easy it is to hurt people you love when you're hurting, yourself or hurting yourself.
I've started lashing out at my mother, which definitely adds to the pain of everything. She's the only person who has consistently supported and "checked on" me for as long as I can remember. She's more than a mother and hurting her crushes me, but I can't stop. I'm angry at her and I don't know why. I hate myself. Maybe, that's why I hurt her. She's the person with whom I most identify.
My hair is falling out. My skin has developed weird patches and rashes that come and go. I don't know if I'm crying and depressing myself sick, but whatever's going on hurts like hell.
So, here I am in my hometown, alone and feeling like a failure."
PS ...
This is what my depression looks like.
I'd gained weight, hint's the extra chubby cheeks and fuller nose. My hair had begun to fall out, so weaves and wigs became my best friend. My deer-in-headlights stare perfected. My smile never reached my eyes, but it's the smile people loved so I didn't bother trying to fix it. My eyes were almost always glossy, with tears threatening to fall at any moment. I was so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I now have a new perspective on this emoji☺ .
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