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"That's my secret, Cap. I'm always angry."

"Whatever is inside of you, no matter how you try to hide it, will eventually come out."

My pastor said this today during the message and it hit my heart. Hard. I never realized how angry I've been until I sat there, taking inventory of what's inside of me: anger and resentment.


First, denial.

'That's not me... Is it?' I wondered if maybe I was just imagining things or taking something personal that wasn't. 'Nah, that's not me.' My mind is so fickle and I realize now how much work I need to do to get my mind more focused on God. Why? As soon as a self-assessment began in my mind, an egotistical something up there shut it down. It started tallying all the times I've prayed for people, showed up for people when no one else did, communicated when no one else did, set good examples, taught, sang, danced, and everything else. This tallying was supposed to convince me that I couldn't possibly be angry and resentful. 'Nope! Pastor's preaching to somebody else.'

Then, embarrassment.

Just after the early service, I expressed frustration to two people about some things in ministry. I felt like I was only expressing frustration, but they kept taking it as me quitting or running away from the church. I didn't understand it. They weren't listening to me when I was trying to vent. Lesson learned. And I wasn't listening to them when they were trying to get me to calm down. Lesson learned. But, I digress... It seemed like the rest of the sermon was just a magnifying glass, beaming down on my dark, angry heart. Each time Pastor said, "turn to your neighbor and..." I felt like they were looking at me, peering into my dark, angry heart. I had a difficult time focusing for the rest of the service. DRAMA ALERT I was warring inside. My heart was trying to open its door to let it out, but my mind stood against it with sunglasses on. They'll see and know. 

Acceptance. 

Okay, I admit it. I'm angry. I work hard for the ministry; more importantly, I care about it. So when people do things that are offensive and make others' jobs harder, I get frustrated. Why is no one else offended by mediocrity? I've got two sick parents; one, I'm still getting to know and it isn't going well. I'm in a long-distance relationship and it's one of the hardest things I've ever experienced, to date. I'm 25 years old and I'm nowhere where I'd like to be in life. I'm angry! 

To be honest, I'm angry all the time. Seething, brewing anger lives inside of me right now and until this morning I thought it was okay. I thought it was okay for almost anything to drive me to the brink of swearing and throwing something at the drop of a hat. People have told me that I'm 'sensitive' or that I 'let people get to' me, but this is something different. Remember that scene at the end of The Avengers movie, when Bruce reveals his secret?



I don't mind telling you that I'm not going with the "Name it, Claim it" approach to this. You know the one where preachers tell you to say that you don't have a problem and promise that verbalizing a lie will solve it? You know, putting it that way really puts it into perspective, huh? I'm not doing it. I'm here right now. How do I get out of this? How do I get happy [or something]? God is reaching for me and I know it. I've just gotta reach back. This will take some self-assessment (I hate taking my own advice) and study. 

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Ephesians 4:31,32). 

 Anger will not serve me well, I know that. This might be the toughest uphill battle in a long time, seeing as I've been this way for as long as I can remember. 

TAKEAWAYS
  1. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a hole of a situation. God is constantly reaching for us to pull us out. Reach back! Keep your eyes on Him and learn something on your way out, so you don't fall back in. Got it? 
  2. Don't be afraid to admit your flaws because of someone else's peering eyes. There will always be gossip and misunderstanding, but you don't have to focus on it. As far as I'm concerned, other people's conversations about me aren't my business (the same way my conversations not about them aren't theirs).
  3. God is ALWAYS reaching out for you. 
  4. I didn't mention this before, but sometimes we refuse to admit our flaws because we don't want someone to be right about us. We want to prove others wrong when they say we have a problem, especially when they're a major culprit of said problem. Lose the ego. It's more baggage than you can carry, I promise you. 
  5. Get to know yourself. Don't ignore your problems or chalk them up to basically nothing. You go to the doctor (hopefully) when your body acts up, right? Take care of your heart and mind with the same concern. 


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